Where is My Vulva?
Shortly after my 29th birthday I bought myself a Volvo XC90, I called it my “almost 30 car”. She was reliable, safe, black, leather-interior and seemingly more sophisticated. Many who knew me called it my mom car, opposed to my rusted Jeep with surf boards sticking out the back window, seats covered with Sex Wax and god knows what else. I camped, took road trips, had sex, and did a variety of illogical things in that 2004 Jeep for nearly 9 years. My new Volvo was sexy and sophisticated, I named her Vulva. You might cringe at the name, but this was also the year I declared myself a feminist (Definition of feminism according to Merriam-Webster dictionary, “the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of sexes; organized activity on behalf of women’s rights and interests.”) It took 29 years for me to understand, see, mourn, and appreciate the sacredness of what spiritual junkies may refer to as the “divine feminine”. If you’re a straight man reading this, don’t stop reading, in fact, you need more education on the topic of “Where is my vulva?” than anyone. For 20-something years, I could not locate my own vulva, vestibular gland, labium majus, Skene glands, clitoris (jk I knew where this was), and so on. The clitoris is the pleasure center of the vulva, it, essentially, has no other role than to allow you to enjoy yourself, located under the point where the inner labia meet and create a hood (known as the clitoral hood). It was not until I watched a video of Betty Dodson, 90-something year old orgasm coach, sitting down with a group of women with their legs spread and a mirror in front of them that I myself grabbed a mirror and admired the beauty of my unique little snowflake.
The importance of this article is not to give us an anatomy lesson, but to come to terms with the fact that women, in general, have been disconnected not only from their physical bodies but taught to shame their emotional pleasure centers and essence of feminine power. Most women born in my generation and before are warned in a fluorescent lit public school setting by their gym teacher about sexual dangers, how to not get raped, what to do if someone should attempt to rape you, identify what sexual diseases look like, and to, ultimately, instill fear deep into our psyche around our sexuality. By taking away our pleasure and personal fulfillment through sex we are robbed not only of pleasure with another person, ourselves, but with life.
On the same note, our sexuality with another, ourselves, and with life is an act of creativity. Everything in nature is essentially f*cking all day long, and when it’s not doing that it is eating, sleeping, or dying. Nature doesn’t question its existential purpose, it just does and is.
What makes us different from the birds and the bees? The answer, our consciousness and ability to recognize that we are. As Shakespeare said, “I think therefore, I am.” Consciousness, in short, is the awareness of our own existence.
As perverted as it all may sound, the act of attraction, harmonizing, and creating is an act of the sacred. It is a divine mystery held in sanctity. That being said, you may feel a loss of your personal power (more on that in the next chapters) when you give anyone and anything access to your creative sexual nature. Intercourse is an easy, pleasurable and physical form of sex, but so is your engaging in anything that takes or gives you your life energy (which is essentially everything). Energy is real. When you take a microscope to your human body, at an atomic level there is 99.9999999% space. If you didn’t pay attention in High School science class Britannica says, an atom is the smallest unit of matter (that “they”, scientists, have been able to measure so far). Sit with that existential fact for a minute or two.
If you are a biological woman with the rhythms of the feminine nature (although we all have a feminine or yin side no matter our biological sex), there are a few things they don’t teach you in your High School sex education class. You are deeply connected to the natural cycles of the planet and universe. You are not separate from the moon, sun, stars, seasons, and so forth. (Men, this includes your participation as well, don’t stop listening.) The cycles, symptoms, and queues our physical bodies give us are insights into our intuitive power. It is key to your human success that you pay acute attention to the body's wisdom. “Women are rarely ever shown the sacredness, creativity, and wisdom that is embedded in their rhythmic monthly cycle—the feminine cycle—or how to harness its power (Blood & Milk).”
It can be more easily digested in breaking it down into six phases of your feminine cycle.
#1 Winter, this is also known as menstruation. This phase of the feminine cycle is recognizable by your period, or bleeding. What’s happening, physically, is your little egg (future child when fertilized by a sperm) was presented like a gift at the opening of the fallopian tube for fertilization and because there was no sperm to meet it, it died and signaled the beginning of menstruation. Meaning, your uterine lining is shedding and cleaning itself, like a snake shedding its skin. Through this shedding and bleeding, your egg and uterine lining will dispose of itself and prepare to start this whole cycle over again.
It’s good to know while you’re young, you only get so many eggs in your lifetime. All the eggs you will ever have were already created in you when you were in your mother’s womb. During puberty, when you experienced your first period was the very beginning of your eggs presenting themselves for procreation. This cycle will come to an end when you reach menopause later on in life (According to Mayo Clinic, the average age for menopause is 51). So, in theory, you could become pregnant from Jr. High to 51-years-old. Although uncommon, impressive, and not recommended, Maria del Carmen Bousada de Lara had twins at age 66 and was verified one of the oldest mother’s in the world.
Women, typically, during this winter phase of menstruation tend to have feelings of being withdrawn with desire to hibernate, go inward, spend time alone, or focus on quiet, calm endeavors. I have a theory that we’re mourning a small death within us because our default nature is to create, and from my personal experience, I feel increasingly more vulnerable and sensitive to the little deaths in life around me. It is a time I mark on the calendar each month to avoid stressful, threatening, or unsafe situations, people, news, and conversations, as well as, ask or plan for more intimate, loving, and supportive encounters. I may take more walks, lightly stretch or move, meditate, participate in breathing exercises, yin yoga, or tai chi as well as prepare slow-cooked, soupy, warm meals at home.
#2 Spring, also known as the follicular and proliferative phase. As our period, or winter, is ending, our brain has already begun to signal one of our ovaries (where the eggs are stored) to prepare another egg to get ready for yet another walk down the red carpet for its grand debut. We get another chance at procreation and are feeling optimistic. The follicular phase can be best recognized by a rise in a hormone called estrogen which accounts for our steady rise in energy, increased libido, vibrancy, and positive attitude. We may feel as if we’ve become ourselves again. The dark cloud has passed and we can feel the sun again. You’re going to hear the word hormone a lot on your health journey. A hormone is essentially a chemical your body produces that travels with a message to communicate and signal another part of the body to do something. It is not good when your hormones communication gets interfered with and starts speaking gibberish to other parts of your body. You will feel the “imbalance”. Your body produces about 50 different hormones. Your uterus and endometrium (the innermost lining layer of the uterus) is rebuilding itself and you are feeling strong, ready to take on the world and all of its possibilities.
#3 Summer, Ovulation. Your egg has been through hair and makeup and is ready to walk the red carpet, down the fallopian tube. Your body is surging with juicy estrogen making you feel and look the most feminine and luscious, you are a goddamn goddess. Meanwhile, the estrogen is signaling your fallopian tube to open and widen. Like an orchestra reaching their grandiose crescendo, the singer holding her highest note, estrogen levels are peaking and the body dramatically secretes the luteinizing hormone with gusto. The climax, which releases the egg from backstage, or your ovary, also known as ovulation. Here she comes down the fallopian tube like Beyonce making her way to center stage. The crowds cheering, we are going wild. You’re glowing, confident, senses are heightened, and everyone can see it. You may be feeling yourself so much that you grab your partner and make sweet, romantic love. Your juices are flowing, wet and wild. Quite literally, your vaginal discharge and secretements will look more like fluid raw egg whites than the usual white, dry, stickiness that leaks out during the other parts of your menstrual phases. Learn to recognize when it looks and feels like this, it means you are the most likely to become pregnant during that time. The cooler, wetter, more fluid your discharge is, the easier it is for sperm to swim and meet your shining star, or egg. That sperm can live for days in that fluid, and will travel through space and time to meet her.
#4 Fall, the Luteal Phase. The sperm failed to reach her, or you’re abstinent, either way the eggs show is over. Ovulation is finished and the folic which contains your egg transforms into corpus luteum, in other words, she dies. Lovely estrogen hormone leaves the scene, and in comes the progesterone hormone. This transition of hormonal dominance is typically responsible for premenstrual symptoms (PMS) we experience such as breast tenderness, bloating, mood changes, fatigue, headaches, and I don’t need to remind you of those troubling times. This phase can last up to 14 days. Progesterone is a relaxing hormone, it aids in sleep, relieving anxiety so you may feel a natural winding down. It is a time to be gentle with yourself and slow down. The uterine lining will begin to produce chemicals that will either support a pregnancy or prepare the lining to break down (This is where you may begin to feel some cramping.), known as the secretory phase.
Now that you more or less understand the physical aspects of your feminine cycle through the eyes of Beyonce strutting down your fallopian tube, there’s much more to it. The ‘menarche’, also known as your first period is typically unwelcome with complicated and often shameful emotions. Western culture has ostracized the messages around menstruation, guilted women into shaming their bodies and all of its goddess-like processes. It is changing, but not fast enough. Dare a woman be outspoken about her period, she’s looked at as stepping out of line. I invite you to step outside of the lines. In many other cultures around the world, they celebrate and commemorate menarches, seen as a significant spiritual and cultural moment. Also known as a moon cycle, such as in Native American cultures, women were honored and able to remove themselves from daily routines to seize their spiritual energy. At the end of the day, the point I’m hoping to get across is less about our periods. It’s about reverence for ourselves. It’s not until we are unafraid of our feminine nature that we will recover the greatest source of our divine power.
Resources: Jen Yih is a certified Nutritional Therapy Practitioner